Thursday, October 31, 2013

A new beginning, Some soul searching and being honest with your slef

This year has been an amazing adventure.

I recently resigned from my job as head chef at at Clarence's  to start studying for a bachelor degree in Nutritional Medicine. I am two months into my first two units and although they are small units, they have been amazing. History of Healing and foundations of communication and counselling.

This has been my first taste of study since i left school in year 10. It is proving to be quite easy to procrastinate and i have become quite good at it.

 I just finished watching a counselling lecture about our thoughts and the effect they have on our emotions and in turn our behavior.
Our Inner Critic always telling us that we should of done this and we must do that and that if we don't we are not good enough and no one will like us.
This is the programming, our core beliefs we get as children, ether directly from people who influenced us, or indirectly from our observations of others.  The lecturer asked us to draw our inner critic, with our non dominate hand and write some of the things that it tells us. Who is this inner critic? as soon as i put down my pen, i could see her, angry face, short brown black hair. It was Mrs William.

She was the meanest woman i had met in all of my 5 years? 6? fresh out of pre-primary leaving the safe and caring playground, chocolate finger painting and moterbike riding santas of Mrs Sandylands ( she even had an awesome  name)
It was one of my first weeks in year one and she had already made one girl cry when she accidentally  wet her self and was made to wear the "Spare Undies" humiliated in front of the whole class as well as multiple other children.
When I was in year one,  I was still drawing my 3s backward, so it looked like this:
She made me, sit back  during lunch, making 3s with fluorescent orange modeling clay. I still, even then made them backward, and she didn't let me go all lunch. I just sat there, trying to make 3s crying quietly, while she told me "you must do it the other way" "How can you not know how to do this are you stupid?"

I don't think i stayed at that school for very long. my wonderful parents moved us and I went to a much nicer year one teacher who brought in lambs to class and played guitar.

Looking up at me from my page was this woman, who i had never really forgotten, but who i didn't think had that much effect on me, and here i was looking at a drawing that could of been done by my five year old self of my horrible teacher over twenty years later.
 Now these things still come up for me every now and then, however, I know now, being the awesome person i am, that I also have my Inner coach with the calming, encouraging and nurturing inner self voice
, who i listen too more often than not and that enforces the positive feelings i have about my self, I was asked to draw them:

 I see this coach as a happy looking kinda guy. He comes in and changes my attitude,  Mrs william up there is saying "you are stupid" and he comes in with
" Your not stupid look at everything you have achieved , you are awesome, you can do it."

This feminine  critic and masculine coach, has this come from my child hood too?
I always felt that my parents supported me and encouraged me, but maybe i picked up on the female insecurity of body image that my mother,sisters and pretty much every woman i have ever met have had, and the constant comparison and competition that was around me and my siblings and peers?? Because women are typically more self critical than men? Maybe because coaches of sporting teams are always stereotypically men? as i hear the word coach, i think of a male?  Because my Grandfather and father where and still are one of the biggest influences in my life?

I feel that  now, being aware of my inner critic, and being able to use my inner coach to ajust my attitude towards tasks and events in my life, makes them more enjoyable. Chores and tasks are no longer Chores because insted of the " I Must",
"I have to" and the " I should" mentality i have an "I can" and 'I will" and "I choose" out look. I can tell my inner critic that they are wrong, I'm no longer a child and i don't agree with them.

A happy Life lesson.

Mrs William. If you are still alive, I hope that you got over what was making you sad. I'm sure you where just trying to help. 

BY the way. I can Now draw, AWESOME threes!
How does your Inner Critic talk to you? do you use your inner coach?
Try to identify when your inner critic is talking, how it makes you feel and what your behaviors are as a result of that.

This post, is a prime example of my awesome procrastination skills. In comes inner critic " You shouldnt be procrastinating! you should be studying, you should be in bed already!"


1 comment:

  1. your inner self is real and growing stronger no matter how you spell or print numbers or letters in life! xxx